God is in control

All of creation is a symphony and God is the conductor. Thank you Father for your beautiful music!

A Morning of Song

I woke up this morning with singing in my head. These are the words that keep playing.

Lord you are more precious than silver
Lord you are more costly than gold
Lord you are the heart of our worship
And all that we desire is to be with you

That's all. I just wanted to share some praise to our Lord.

Thank you Lord for mornings that start with singing.

Control

Well I've been in Jacksonville, FL again to see my dad at the Mayo Clinic. He had an operation that has never been done before. My brother, Ben and I went to support dad... and my mom, who would be there alone. Ben and I were very surprised to find that she had the support of a church that she has visited only a few months. These people were there with her alot. They would come to the hospital and sit for hours with her in the waiting room. We must have met at least 20 or more people from that church. The Lord is good to us! Ben and I were there for 5 days. When we left, dad was still in ICU. They are keeping him sedated so that he doesn't pull out the ventilator.

Going through all of this, has caused me to start thinking about how we see good and bad. Then my mind went to the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The knowledge of good and evil was passed to us through the generations. We as people living on the earth see things in terms of good things and bad things. But somethimes what we see as good, can be bad. Like when Judas kissed Jesus. A kiss is normally a good thing, but in this case it was betrayal. Betrayal is a bad thing, but in this case it was a good thing, because it was the Lord's plan. It's all so confusing. But, looking through the Lord's eyes causes us to see things in their proper perspective. Sometimes there are moments when we can't see through the Lord's eyes. We are just too close to what's going on. These are the times when we let go and rest in Him, and the Lord in us takes over through faith. He is that faith. He is leaking out of us at that moment. I noticed that everytime Jesus healed someone, He always told them that it was because of their faith. Those that were healed had come to the bottom and let go of control. They were giving control to the Lord.

So Lord, here's control. I hope that in all things in my life, you have control. I understand that I am not perfect, and that I will take control again and again. But, remind me again and again, that I want you in control.

Just thinking

Recently I've been thinking about relationships and how they work. Mostly I've looked at the Father and the Son's relationship with each other. They are so in love with one another. Everything the Father made, He created out of His Son, by His Son and for His Son. So everything we see with our eyes is something made by the Father for the Son. Why? Because God is so crazy in love with His Son, Jesus.

On the other side of the relationship, I see that Jesus said and did nothing of Himself. He only did what His Father told Him to do, and said only what His Father told Him to say. Why? Because Jesus is so crazy in love with His Father.

These are things that I have known with my mind for a long time, but suddenly I know them with my heart.

Now when I'm having someone over for coffee, I think "I want this to be the best coffee this person has ever had, because my Lord lives in her/him". "What else can I do to make this person's visit with me better?" "How can I make this person feel special?" My relationships are changing because of a revealing of Jesus to me. I see Their relationship as one I want to reflect.

Lord make me your mirror.

Keep Them Coming Lord

This morning I spent time with the Lord. Just loving Him, nothing else. Well besides drinking my morning cup of coffee. This is what I saw. I found Him in my cup. He is the cup, all white and pure without blemish. I found Him in my hands, they belong to Him. I found Him in my coffee. He stimulates me... He causes me to breath Him in as my heart pumps Him throughout my body. I found Him in the wood grain on the table... He carves those patterns in the wood individually just like fingerprints, not one is a mistake. I found Him in the gardinia plant... the fragrance is Him, the deep green of life is Him and sweet to take in. And I went on from there loving Him.

As we drove up to the rec center for our morning workout, the Lord had a surprise for us. I was thinking how grey a day it was. The rain spitting on us intermittently. And there in the tree were balloons, bright and cheery. So out of place in that tree with no leaves. A gift for my eyes from the Lord.

Then I took this picture of my cousin's son, Issac. (That's the way they spell it) This made me think of how we are all connected to one another and nature. He's in the car ready to go home for a nap. But the reflection of the tree caught my attention. In the picture he and the tree look to be one. We are one with our Lord and each other as His body.

Today has been a day of seeing the Lord or seeing the Lord's hand move. I love days like this. Keep them coming Lord!

Galatians

We have spent several months on Galatians now. I'm starting to understand the reason for spending so much time in one place. Just when you think there can't be anymore... there's more.

I have learned that there is freedom in Jesus Christ, and that the freedom He gives is to be given away. By taking freedom, one takes someone elses freedom. But if someone gives you freedom, you have taken no one's freedom. So the body of Christ does exactly what she sees the Father and the Son do... Give freedom. I have found that giving away my liberty increases my liberty. Just as everything else given to us by the Lord increases when given away.

My Father's Eyes

This morning I got up and took a shower. My hair had been coming out slowly all last week. Kind of like a tree looses it's leaves in autumn. I had been putting it up in a ponytail to hide the thinning.

Taking a shower was a huge mistake. After washing my hair, I had to comb it out. Large bundles of hair began to come out in my comb. It was too long to control. There was too much coming out. So I called Sarah to come see what she could do. I asked her to pull out what she could. How incredibly thankful I am to have her in my life. She very gently pulled, cut, and combed my hair until no more would come out. She said, "Thank you Lord for autumn and thank you for winter too." I told her how I felt like a tree loosing it's leaves... and she understood. Thank you Lord for Sarah.

Sarah's daughter, Emma (four years old) came with her and smiled and hugged me as if nothing was different at all. Lord, to be like these little ones of yours. It seems that through their eyes, the people they love are always the people they love. No matter what they look like. Because my sparsly tufted head didn't look that great. And yet she threw her arms around me and loved me all the same. It brought tears to my eyes to know that my looks have nothing to do with the love I recieve from my sisters. I know that they ( and I'm talking about all of you) see me through my Father's eyes. Thank you Lord for sisters that see with your eyes and love with your heart.

I am Me Again

Yesterday was the first day after round one that I was able to be me with no sick feelings. First I cleaned the kitchen (that never ending job) then I swept and vacuumed the floors. I couldn't stand it any longer, I have two schnauzers that seem to be magnets for every leaf in the backyard until they come into the house. And then the house becomes the magnet to the leaves. By the time I finished that, was tired. So I sat down for a while.

Then I went to Luby's with Bob and Sylvia for lunch. We stayed there a couple of hours just talking about the Jacksonville conference that Bob, Ev, Sheila, Donna, Aaron, Sarah and Bill went to. It was so nice to fellowship again! Then I had to go to the bank. One of those frustrating jobs, but I don't want to go in to that.

After all that, I was driving home. Everything was so bright and cheery. The autumn colors were full and robust. And I knew that my Lord was everywhere I could see. I had to thank Him for this day. Thank you Lord for a day of feeling good.

Round One Finished

Yesterday was the last of round one chemo. I'm so glad to not be hooked to that machine and free to move about as I will. Although the moving is very cautious because of the queezy stomach and swimming head I'm left with. Yet I feel so free. I have a whole 21 days before I have to do it again. They tell me that my hair will start to fall out in about 6 to 10 days. I'm not looking forward to that bit.

This weekend when the church was meeting, they called me and sang to me. I loved it. I didn't want them to stop. It was almost like being there with them. After they hung up I thought maybe this is how Jesus felt to be on this earth and have communication with His Father. Normally I am with the church and talking and singing and sharing with them. Looking at all their faces and spending time together. Now that has all gone aside for a time. I don't feel totally cut off, because they come around some. But... it's not the same.

My beautiful sister-in-law, Annette, has had her hair cut off. She wanted to give me her ponytail so that I could hang it out of the back of a hat. She loves me so much! I can't believe she cut her beautiful hair for me!! She told me that she sat there telling the hairstylist how special I am. I'm thinking she's the one that is so special!! I can't help but love this woman who loves me so much! It has to be the Lord flowing from her to me and back again. That's the only way to explain it. It's just like the Father loving His Son and pouring all of His love into Him. And then the Son loving His Father so much that He takes all of the love that His Father has poured into Him and pours it back into His Father again. And so goes the divine relationship. I feel like a part of that relationship. It's like all that I am is in Him and I can do nothing but what He wills. It's quite a wonderful feeling!

Getting Ready

These are some pics of my lovely sisters in Christ!! Please excuse Lon (He's a brother).














Well, chemo starts tomorrow. I've been trying to get things done around here before I don't feel like it anymore. It's hard to think of everything. I've gone to the grocerie store and cleaned all the bathrooms, done all the laundry, got as much Christmas shopping done as I could, filled all my prescriptions, changed the sheets on all the beds, cleaned the kitchen several times (I don't think that job is ever done), I brought all my plants in from outside last night. The list goes on. There's still so much to do. I know I'm forgetting something. Oh well, if it doesn't get done, it will still be here.

An hour before I go to chemo I have to take my anti-nausea meds. Then I will go to the cancer center and get the first chemical. That will take about an hour. Then I'll be hooked to a pump that will give me the second chemical - that will take 3 days. And on Monday I go back to get the third chemical in the series - that takes about an hour. And that concludes one round of chemo. I'll do this every 21 days until I finish all my rounds. After the first three rounds there will be a break for the mastectomy. I'm really not looking forward to any of this.

But there is an upside. I have to tell you how wonderful the sisters are here. They have made me little signs to put in my bedroom window so they will know what I need. The signs say:

I'm sick and nauseous - Go away
I miss you - Leave me a note to remind me that you miss me too!
I need my sisters - (I love you brothers, but sister things are going on right now)
I'm hungry Goody!
I love you - but I need some time by myself right now.
I'm taking a nap
I need conversation and a hug!

I think they thought of everything. Sheila brought me some homemade chicken soup all individually packed in serving sizes to be frozen until I need them. Along with that she brought some of her healthy chocolate chip cookies she makes and some mini banana muffins. The sisters have all been so great!! Brothers, you're pretty great too! It's so nice to be living in churchlife. Thank you, Lord for your body!!!

Every Moment

Well, Nick left yesterday. We had a full weekend. Four meetings, one sister's meeting, one brother's meeting, lunch at Mijo's (a resturant near by), dinner at the Heroman's (also where the babysitting was), and a truck ride around the neighborhood. We spent alot of time together. It was fun!

At one point during the weekend I was crying these big black mascara tears, and Ev reached out with a tissue and gently wiped my tears away. Not just one wipe... One wipe under each eye, and then one long wipe along my jawline where tears were waiting to fall to my lap. I felt like my Lord had just wiped my tears away. And He did through my brother, Ev. And then, as if that wasn't enough, Russell put words to my feelings. He saw the Father wiping my tears.

I wasn't sad. I was overwhelmed. I was the cup full to the brim and overflowing. I couldn't hold anymore, so out of my eyes He flowed. There was more of Him in me and around me than I could contain. I was that clay vessel filled with Him and surrounded by Him all at the same time.

I know these are just words on a screen. But it wasn't at that moment. That moment I lived Him. One of those moments that you never want to end, but if it doesn't you know you'll expire. It's too much and not enough at the same time. That moment was Him. He is every moment. The only difference was... I was aware of Him in me.

This morning hasn't been one of my best. I went to the cancer center for an appointment and the doctors want me to start chemo as soon as possible. I sat there quite calmly, with my insides screaming, "I don't want to!!!! I don't want to!!!". Chemo is the worst part of cancer. The radiation I can handle. The surgeries I can handle. I can even handle being bald again. But the chemo is beyond me. I need you Lord to take this part. I know you have plans for good. So Lord, for you I do this a second time.

I sat in my car for a long time just letting everything sink in. I could feel my heart beating hard against the inside of my chest as if it were trying to get out. It was saying, " I have to get out of here before they poison me again!"

Still in a state of shock I turned the ignition. The CD in the player began to play.....

"If you need me,
Call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I'll be there in a hurry
On that you can depend and never worry
No wind, No rain or winter's cold
Can stop me baby
If you're my goal....."

My Lord was singing to me. I saw in my head my sisters singing and bouncing around a room. They had brightly colored boas hanging from their necks being swung in all directions. My Lord living in them sang to me. Now I was crying and smiling all at the same time. How much more confused can one get?? It seems these days I'm not just feeling one set of feelings. It's more like a compilation of feelings. I called His name out loudly and tears came harder.

Our Lord is alive and well in Arlington! He gushes out of us with such force.

I drove into the neighborhood and there they were. Sarah and Sheila. Exactly what I needed. Sisters. They encouraged me and shared my pain. Sarah pointed out to me that our tears are your tears Lord. I felt better having seen them and talked to them. I know that the Lord answered the cry of my heart. He gave me words from a CD to call His name. So I called. And there He was in my sisters.

You, Lord. It's all about You!

The Porch

In our neighborhood we have a place we call the porch. This is where anyone can go at anytime of day or night and focus on the Lord. If someone is already there, you know what they are there for; and you are welcome to join in.

A couple of nights ago Dan and I went to the porch. The sun was going down and it was very peaceful. We called His name some and just breathed Him in some. The silence was full of Him.

Then we heard the crunching of dried leaves. Footsteps drawing closer. My heart skipped and began to beat faster. I knew who was coming. It was my Lord. More of my Lord coming to join. As Annette topped the stairs, I greeted her with, "Good evening Lord". It didn't matter the vessel He came in. I knew who she was and where He lives. He is the one that drew her there at that time. The three of us sat with no words. Just enjoying Him. We listened to the sounds of creation. A dog barking, "Lord, Lord. Lord." The crickets chirpping , "Jeeeee - sus, Jeeeee - sus." A train whistle in the distance, "GOD,GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD". All of creation called to Him. And then we heard singing.

"Lord you are my strength
You are my help in all my troubles
Lord you are my freind
You are my lover
Lord I worship you, I bow down and adore you.
I love you, I love you, I love you."

Two sisters knew where we were and seranaded the Lord in us. And then they were gone.

The porch is new for us. It may not always be in the same back yard, but the place will always be Him.

The Camp Out

These are my thoughts and feelings after not sleeping the first evening of our camp out/retreat. I know these thoughts came from the Lord, because only He is gracious and good. (I'm a grumpy butt when I don't get enough sleep)

When I got up this morning it was still dark. I plugged in the camp lights. How feastive they looked in the darkness. A short time past and Lord, you turned the sky pink. It wasn't just a small patch of pink, but an entire group of clouds strewn across the sky. My thoughts went to my sisters Diane and Emma. You have put in them a love for your pinkness.

As my gaze rolled across the sky for more of you, I saw a single bird in the air. Not going anywhere, just wings wide open and floating in one spot of pink. It was as if he was suspended in gel. I thought of how slowed down my mind would have to be to attain being suspended in you that way. And how much that bird must be enjoying his morning set high on the breath of his creator.

I made hot water for my oatmeal. I could see that Donna's lights were on now. I padded over to the opening of the path that led to Donna and Sheila's campsite. Donna was doing something at her picnic table. Probably thinking of you at the same time. My thoughts went to how much I love her and how I was seeing the Son rise in my sister.

I went back to my oatmeal. I thought, "That's a good idea, I'll watch the sun come up". I moved my chair to where I thought I might best experience our morning (mine and the Lord's). I looked into the sky again. You changed it. Now the clouds were a soft grey with a little hint of peach. But more grey. I could see where the sun was going to make it's appearance. There was a half ring of orange just beyond the tree tops to the east. I sipped my coffee and waited. My eyes rested in the direction of the beggining. It wasn't very long before a small cloud inside the orange ring lit up. It sparkled like mother of pearl. It became so bright that it almost hurt my eyes to look at it. As I squinted, I thought now John must have felt trying to describe his vision in Revelation. The difficulty of putting into words something no one on this earth has ever seen before. Thank you brother John, for doing what your Lord asked of you.

The sun began to peek over the tree tops. Wow! How beautiful! It came fast now. Words like... Fabulous... Spectacular... Magnificent, rolled over in my mind. But none of them were good enough. Lord, your sunrise is so much more. The light came so brightly that my eyes couldn't look in that direction any longer. I followed where the light spilled. It lit up the tops of the trees standing on a distant hillside. They were covered in autumn colors. The light gradually oozed from top to bottom like golden honey being poured out. I leaned back in my chair to soak in your warmth. You are my morning, Lord! This morning has been lived by you in me. This I know.

Relief from the Lord

A few weeks ago I found out I have breast cancer for the second time.

I woke up in the middle of the night and started writing. This is what I wrote:

My Lord is not just leaking out of me. I feel Him flowing. He is pouring out of me so fast that I no longer am me. He stands in my shoes and I am a mere observer of my own life. When my arms reach out to hug someone, they are not my arms, but His that pull that person in close. And the love that I feel in my heart is so full and large that I feel as if it will burst open at any moment. It is His love and compassion that flows through this temperal body.

I feel my own weakness and His strength all at the same time. It truely is a delight to have this opportunity. But at the same time a thing that I am unable to share with anyone because it is so easily misunderstood. I guess I will sit back and discover You, Lord. More of You!