Thursday, December 22, 2005


Last night the church went caroling. Afterwards, they all came in for hot chocolate. And kept right on caroling. It was really neat to have so many people together in one place that want to praise their Lord in song. Very nice! Here's some pictures of hot chocolate time. Thanks church!!

Monday, December 19, 2005


I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare anyone. That depression didn't last very long. It was about a day and a half I felt that way. My sisters showed up here one by one bringing my Lord in them. I found Him again. In a very tangable way. He is in their eyes, their smiles, their hugs, their words. They cleaned my house and read to me and sat with me, and sang to me, and left little notes of encouragement on my door, but most of all they just love me.

We have some of those little, cheap, plastic magnet letters on our refrigerator. My husband, Dan, writes little messeges to me with them. This is the messege I found the next day.

Pain and Comfort is Christ. I thought about this for a while. If Christ is All in All, then, yes, He is pain. Thinking like that, suddenly I could feel Him. My senses were aware, once again of my Lord.

My brother, Ben and my sister-in-law, Annette visited while I was still hooked to my little chemo machine. Ben picked out this picture to give to me. It's a picture of a tree going through all the seasons. As you walk past the picture, the tree changes from one season to the next. All of them are beautiful.

Bonnie called me one day a while before I lost my hair. She had a scripture she wanted to share with me. I think this scripture is what started me thinking in the direction of the tree.
"For there is hope for a tree, if it is cut down, that it will sprout again, and that it's tender shoots will not cease. Though it's roots may grow old in the earth, and it's stump may die in the ground, yet at the scent of water it will bud and bring forth branches like a plant." Job 14: 7-9

These are the words to a song that started me thinking in the direction of seasons:

"Every evening sky, an invitation to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration for freedom that is ours
And I notice You in children's games, in those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder.
You are Summer.

And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvast time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins and I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come.
You are Autumn.

And everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white all creation shivers underneath
And still I notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death You open doors for Life to enter.
You are Winter.

And everything that's new has bravely surfaced teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed turning all things green
So it is with You and how You make me new with every season's change
And so it will be as You are recreating me
Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring."

Even in my depression my Lord is there. I knew that all along, but now I can find Him in the depths. And even if I don't think I can, I have people that bring Him to me. Brothers and sisters in Christ that are full to the brim and overflowing with Him. He is all the seasons we go through. Never leaving us alone, never failing. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness. You are FAITHFULNESS.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Enough for Now

Well round 2 is over. It seems to be taking a little longer each time to come out of it. The medicines they give me to control the side effects are so much better than 15 years ago, when I had cancer the first time. But they still don't control the emotional side effects.

I remember when I was 28 years old (and maybe it was because of my age) that I never felt my life threatened by this disease. I did however, in about round 5 reach an emotional low. I am and always have been a person that is positive. I can always find something good. My glass is always half full so to speak. But at round 5 (15 years ago) I found myself wishing to be dead. Wishing to fall asleep and never wake up again. I have never been that depressed before. I was so sick that I couldn't even keep water down. Even in this state, I told myself the chemo was helping me.

This time, the vomitting is missing but the sickness is still there. The state of mind is worse. I feel threatened by the chemo. The depression that I went through 15 years ago, in round 5 and 6 is back in round 2. My doctor is so proud of the new medicines that control the side effects and has no idea of the emotional side effects. To him it's all physical. Which, by the way, is still not good, but is soooo much better than it used to be. This time I know the chemo is poison to my body. I know that I am allowing myself to be poisoned. My heart feels the chemo as it goes in. I feel my heart struggle every time to keep up with what I need to survive. And the depression that I feel is too real. I have been here once before. I didn't care for it then, and I still don't. I am struggling to make sense of what's happening. Yes, the chemo is poison, but the chemo also kills the cancer. But, they can't control what else it kills. I feel myself slipping into the depths of hopelessness. I know my Lord is HOPE. But, I can't seem to reach Him. I know He's there, but I can't see Him. I've called His name and I know He is with me, but where? None of my senses are aware of Him. Just my heart knows from when He created me, that He IS here. I don't think I can do this much longer. The dispare is eating me alive. I am being devoured bit by bit. Lord, I need you!! Lord, help me get through this. This had to be how you felt those three days you were separated by death from your Father. I know you have said to dwell on those things that are good and pure and holy, but I can't find them. You are those things. I know you are here and that is going to have to be enough for now.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Thanks for the evening!

I'm just getting ready for round two of chemo. Same old thing. Cleaning and washing, putting things away. Today at 2pm it will start again.

Oh, but last night, Sheila, Sarah, Annette and I went to see Pride and Predjudice. It was wonderful! We giggled and oooed and awwwed through the whole movie. It's definitely a must see if you love chick flicks. The costumes weren't over done. The sets were wonderful. And the backgrounds were georgeous! And we all know the story is great!

Thank you sisters, for a lovely evening!!

Monday, December 05, 2005

My Father's Eyes

This morning I got up and took a shower. My hair had been coming out slowly all last week. Kind of like a tree looses it's leaves in autumn. I had been putting it up in a ponytail to hide the thinning.

Taking a shower was a huge mistake. After washing my hair, I had to comb it out. Large bundles of hair began to come out in my comb. It was too long to control. There was too much coming out. So I called Sarah to come see what she could do. I asked her to pull out what she could. How incredibly thankful I am to have her in my life. She very gently pulled, cut, and combed my hair until no more would come out. She said, "Thank you Lord for autumn and thank you for winter too." I told her how I felt like a tree loosing it's leaves... and she understood. Thank you Lord for Sarah.

Sarah's daughter, Emma (four years old) came with her and smiled and hugged me as if nothing was different at all. Lord, to be like these little ones of yours. It seems that through their eyes, the people they love are always the people they love. No matter what they look like. Because my sparsly tufted head didn't look that great. And yet she threw her arms around me and loved me all the same. It brought tears to my eyes to know that my looks have nothing to do with the love I recieve from my sisters. I know that they ( and I'm talking about all of you) see me through my Father's eyes. Thank you Lord for sisters that see with your eyes and love with your heart.