Caroling

Last night the church went caroling. Afterwards, they all came in for hot chocolate. And kept right on caroling. It was really neat to have so many people together in one place that want to praise their Lord in song. Very nice! Here's some pictures of hot chocolate time. Thanks church!!

Seasons

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare anyone. That depression didn't last very long. It was about a day and a half I felt that way. My sisters showed up here one by one bringing my Lord in them. I found Him again. In a very tangable way. He is in their eyes, their smiles, their hugs, their words. They cleaned my house and read to me and sat with me, and sang to me, and left little notes of encouragement on my door, but most of all they just love me.

We have some of those little, cheap, plastic magnet letters on our refrigerator. My husband, Dan, writes little messeges to me with them. This is the messege I found the next day.


Pain and Comfort is Christ. I thought about this for a while. If Christ is All in All, then, yes, He is pain. Thinking like that, suddenly I could feel Him. My senses were aware, once again of my Lord.

My brother, Ben and my sister-in-law, Annette visited while I was still hooked to my little chemo machine. Ben picked out this picture to give to me. It's a picture of a tree going through all the seasons. As you walk past the picture, the tree changes from one season to the next. All of them are beautiful.

Bonnie called me one day a while before I lost my hair. She had a scripture she wanted to share with me. I think this scripture is what started me thinking in the direction of the tree.
"For there is hope for a tree, if it is cut down, that it will sprout again, and that it's tender shoots will not cease. Though it's roots may grow old in the earth, and it's stump may die in the ground, yet at the scent of water it will bud and bring forth branches like a plant." Job 14: 7-9

These are the words to a song that started me thinking in the direction of seasons:

"Every evening sky, an invitation to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration for freedom that is ours
And I notice You in children's games, in those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder.
You are Summer.

And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvast time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside
Still I notice You when change begins and I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come.
You are Autumn.

And everything in time and under heaven finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white all creation shivers underneath
And still I notice You when branches crack and in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death You open doors for Life to enter.
You are Winter.

And everything that's new has bravely surfaced teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed turning all things green
So it is with You and how You make me new with every season's change
And so it will be as You are recreating me
Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring."


Even in my depression my Lord is there. I knew that all along, but now I can find Him in the depths. And even if I don't think I can, I have people that bring Him to me. Brothers and sisters in Christ that are full to the brim and overflowing with Him. He is all the seasons we go through. Never leaving us alone, never failing. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness. You are FAITHFULNESS.

Enough for Now

Well round 2 is over. It seems to be taking a little longer each time to come out of it. The medicines they give me to control the side effects are so much better than 15 years ago, when I had cancer the first time. But they still don't control the emotional side effects.

I remember when I was 28 years old (and maybe it was because of my age) that I never felt my life threatened by this disease. I did however, in about round 5 reach an emotional low. I am and always have been a person that is positive. I can always find something good. My glass is always half full so to speak. But at round 5 (15 years ago) I found myself wishing to be dead. Wishing to fall asleep and never wake up again. I have never been that depressed before. I was so sick that I couldn't even keep water down. Even in this state, I told myself the chemo was helping me.

This time, the vomitting is missing but the sickness is still there. The state of mind is worse. I feel threatened by the chemo. The depression that I went through 15 years ago, in round 5 and 6 is back in round 2. My doctor is so proud of the new medicines that control the side effects and has no idea of the emotional side effects. To him it's all physical. Which, by the way, is still not good, but is soooo much better than it used to be. This time I know the chemo is poison to my body. I know that I am allowing myself to be poisoned. My heart feels the chemo as it goes in. I feel my heart struggle every time to keep up with what I need to survive. And the depression that I feel is too real. I have been here once before. I didn't care for it then, and I still don't. I am struggling to make sense of what's happening. Yes, the chemo is poison, but the chemo also kills the cancer. But, they can't control what else it kills. I feel myself slipping into the depths of hopelessness. I know my Lord is HOPE. But, I can't seem to reach Him. I know He's there, but I can't see Him. I've called His name and I know He is with me, but where? None of my senses are aware of Him. Just my heart knows from when He created me, that He IS here. I don't think I can do this much longer. The dispare is eating me alive. I am being devoured bit by bit. Lord, I need you!! Lord, help me get through this. This had to be how you felt those three days you were separated by death from your Father. I know you have said to dwell on those things that are good and pure and holy, but I can't find them. You are those things. I know you are here and that is going to have to be enough for now.

Thanks for the evening!

I'm just getting ready for round two of chemo. Same old thing. Cleaning and washing, putting things away. Today at 2pm it will start again.

Oh, but last night, Sheila, Sarah, Annette and I went to see Pride and Predjudice. It was wonderful! We giggled and oooed and awwwed through the whole movie. It's definitely a must see if you love chick flicks. The costumes weren't over done. The sets were wonderful. And the backgrounds were georgeous! And we all know the story is great!

Thank you sisters, for a lovely evening!!

My Father's Eyes

This morning I got up and took a shower. My hair had been coming out slowly all last week. Kind of like a tree looses it's leaves in autumn. I had been putting it up in a ponytail to hide the thinning.

Taking a shower was a huge mistake. After washing my hair, I had to comb it out. Large bundles of hair began to come out in my comb. It was too long to control. There was too much coming out. So I called Sarah to come see what she could do. I asked her to pull out what she could. How incredibly thankful I am to have her in my life. She very gently pulled, cut, and combed my hair until no more would come out. She said, "Thank you Lord for autumn and thank you for winter too." I told her how I felt like a tree loosing it's leaves... and she understood. Thank you Lord for Sarah.

Sarah's daughter, Emma (four years old) came with her and smiled and hugged me as if nothing was different at all. Lord, to be like these little ones of yours. It seems that through their eyes, the people they love are always the people they love. No matter what they look like. Because my sparsly tufted head didn't look that great. And yet she threw her arms around me and loved me all the same. It brought tears to my eyes to know that my looks have nothing to do with the love I recieve from my sisters. I know that they ( and I'm talking about all of you) see me through my Father's eyes. Thank you Lord for sisters that see with your eyes and love with your heart.

I am Me Again

Yesterday was the first day after round one that I was able to be me with no sick feelings. First I cleaned the kitchen (that never ending job) then I swept and vacuumed the floors. I couldn't stand it any longer, I have two schnauzers that seem to be magnets for every leaf in the backyard until they come into the house. And then the house becomes the magnet to the leaves. By the time I finished that, was tired. So I sat down for a while.

Then I went to Luby's with Bob and Sylvia for lunch. We stayed there a couple of hours just talking about the Jacksonville conference that Bob, Ev, Sheila, Donna, Aaron, Sarah and Bill went to. It was so nice to fellowship again! Then I had to go to the bank. One of those frustrating jobs, but I don't want to go in to that.

After all that, I was driving home. Everything was so bright and cheery. The autumn colors were full and robust. And I knew that my Lord was everywhere I could see. I had to thank Him for this day. Thank you Lord for a day of feeling good.

Round One Finished

Yesterday was the last of round one chemo. I'm so glad to not be hooked to that machine and free to move about as I will. Although the moving is very cautious because of the queezy stomach and swimming head I'm left with. Yet I feel so free. I have a whole 21 days before I have to do it again. They tell me that my hair will start to fall out in about 6 to 10 days. I'm not looking forward to that bit.

This weekend when the church was meeting, they called me and sang to me. I loved it. I didn't want them to stop. It was almost like being there with them. After they hung up I thought maybe this is how Jesus felt to be on this earth and have communication with His Father. Normally I am with the church and talking and singing and sharing with them. Looking at all their faces and spending time together. Now that has all gone aside for a time. I don't feel totally cut off, because they come around some. But... it's not the same.

My beautiful sister-in-law, Annette, has had her hair cut off. She wanted to give me her ponytail so that I could hang it out of the back of a hat. She loves me so much! I can't believe she cut her beautiful hair for me!! She told me that she sat there telling the hairstylist how special I am. I'm thinking she's the one that is so special!! I can't help but love this woman who loves me so much! It has to be the Lord flowing from her to me and back again. That's the only way to explain it. It's just like the Father loving His Son and pouring all of His love into Him. And then the Son loving His Father so much that He takes all of the love that His Father has poured into Him and pours it back into His Father again. And so goes the divine relationship. I feel like a part of that relationship. It's like all that I am is in Him and I can do nothing but what He wills. It's quite a wonderful feeling!

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday to my beautiful Mama!!! The Lord shines in you. Don't worry I'm not telling how old you are. I love you mom!

Getting Ready

These are some pics of my lovely sisters in Christ!! Please excuse Lon (He's a brother).














Well, chemo starts tomorrow. I've been trying to get things done around here before I don't feel like it anymore. It's hard to think of everything. I've gone to the grocerie store and cleaned all the bathrooms, done all the laundry, got as much Christmas shopping done as I could, filled all my prescriptions, changed the sheets on all the beds, cleaned the kitchen several times (I don't think that job is ever done), I brought all my plants in from outside last night. The list goes on. There's still so much to do. I know I'm forgetting something. Oh well, if it doesn't get done, it will still be here.

An hour before I go to chemo I have to take my anti-nausea meds. Then I will go to the cancer center and get the first chemical. That will take about an hour. Then I'll be hooked to a pump that will give me the second chemical - that will take 3 days. And on Monday I go back to get the third chemical in the series - that takes about an hour. And that concludes one round of chemo. I'll do this every 21 days until I finish all my rounds. After the first three rounds there will be a break for the mastectomy. I'm really not looking forward to any of this.

But there is an upside. I have to tell you how wonderful the sisters are here. They have made me little signs to put in my bedroom window so they will know what I need. The signs say:

I'm sick and nauseous - Go away
I miss you - Leave me a note to remind me that you miss me too!
I need my sisters - (I love you brothers, but sister things are going on right now)
I'm hungry Goody!
I love you - but I need some time by myself right now.
I'm taking a nap
I need conversation and a hug!

I think they thought of everything. Sheila brought me some homemade chicken soup all individually packed in serving sizes to be frozen until I need them. Along with that she brought some of her healthy chocolate chip cookies she makes and some mini banana muffins. The sisters have all been so great!! Brothers, you're pretty great too! It's so nice to be living in churchlife. Thank you, Lord for your body!!!

Every Moment

Well, Nick left yesterday. We had a full weekend. Four meetings, one sister's meeting, one brother's meeting, lunch at Mijo's (a resturant near by), dinner at the Heroman's (also where the babysitting was), and a truck ride around the neighborhood. We spent alot of time together. It was fun!

At one point during the weekend I was crying these big black mascara tears, and Ev reached out with a tissue and gently wiped my tears away. Not just one wipe... One wipe under each eye, and then one long wipe along my jawline where tears were waiting to fall to my lap. I felt like my Lord had just wiped my tears away. And He did through my brother, Ev. And then, as if that wasn't enough, Russell put words to my feelings. He saw the Father wiping my tears.

I wasn't sad. I was overwhelmed. I was the cup full to the brim and overflowing. I couldn't hold anymore, so out of my eyes He flowed. There was more of Him in me and around me than I could contain. I was that clay vessel filled with Him and surrounded by Him all at the same time.

I know these are just words on a screen. But it wasn't at that moment. That moment I lived Him. One of those moments that you never want to end, but if it doesn't you know you'll expire. It's too much and not enough at the same time. That moment was Him. He is every moment. The only difference was... I was aware of Him in me.

Early Thanksgiving

Last night, a bunch of us went to Whole Foods for their "Taste Of Thanksgiving".

We started in the produce section where we found sauted asparagus with hollandaise sauce and butternut squash soup. Yumm. Very tastey!
We moved on to the herb crusted salmon, smoked salmon and herb roasted pork. More yummies!

Then came the tofu turkey with gravey and cranberry sauce. It was pretty good. Not at all what I thought it would taste like. With that they served warm apple cider.
As we rounded into the deli section we found roasted turkey (the real thing this time).
Along with mashed potatoes flavored with roasted garlic, mashed yams with orange zest, sauted green beans with herbs, crab bisque, pumpkin mousse, and much more that I didn't taste.

Then came dessert: chocolate pecan pie, pumkin pie, chocolate truffles, and brie on crackers was stuck in there. Coffee was around the corner.

And that's just the stuff that I tasted. I can't remember all of the foods that were there to be sampled.

By the time we finished sampling everything, we were full! So we called it dinner and left to go to our meeting. It really was alot of fun. Thanks Sheila, for the suggestion. I'd like to do it again.

Is that a nest on your head?

Okay, I'm back.

Since I've been away I have had surgery to implant my port. That's the thing they put the chemo in. It's kind of like an IV under the skin going directly to my heart. I feel bad because I'm realizing that I have scared everyone off. I said some things about liking to be left alone when I don't feel well and everyone is very skitish about coming around. Please don't leave me. Do what comes to you to do.

This came to my attention when I had my surgery. I woke up in recovery and no one was there. I hurt and had no one to help me. And then a nurse asked me, but she didn't understand me. So I continued to hurt. The Lord was letting me know not to put restrictions on this. So, I am saying right now..... I love what you do for me, no matter when or where. I love you loving me.

This past saturday Annette, Sheila, and Sylvia and I went to the wig shop. We tried on all the hats and fingered all the wigs (some of us more than others). Tried to match our hair to samples that they had. Tried on wigs (some of us more than others), and waited a very long time for our turn. We laughed and giggled, snapped some photos of each other. And later in the car, had hair puns. Not hair pins. PUNS. Tee Hee. (Oh, you had to be there)

My dear brother and sister-in-law (but in reality my sister), my lovely mom and dad, and my sweet Gramie, bought a wig for me. Now I don't have to be a baldy except when I'm in the mood be a baldy. These days I'm feeling quite spoiled. But I have yet to start my chemo. I go wednesday to see my onchologist. I guess he will let me know when I will start.

Here are some photos of the wig trip. And one of me with my new wig on.

This morning hasn't been one of my best. I went to the cancer center for an appointment and the doctors want me to start chemo as soon as possible. I sat there quite calmly, with my insides screaming, "I don't want to!!!! I don't want to!!!". Chemo is the worst part of cancer. The radiation I can handle. The surgeries I can handle. I can even handle being bald again. But the chemo is beyond me. I need you Lord to take this part. I know you have plans for good. So Lord, for you I do this a second time.

I sat in my car for a long time just letting everything sink in. I could feel my heart beating hard against the inside of my chest as if it were trying to get out. It was saying, " I have to get out of here before they poison me again!"

Still in a state of shock I turned the ignition. The CD in the player began to play.....

"If you need me,
Call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I'll be there in a hurry
On that you can depend and never worry
No wind, No rain or winter's cold
Can stop me baby
If you're my goal....."

My Lord was singing to me. I saw in my head my sisters singing and bouncing around a room. They had brightly colored boas hanging from their necks being swung in all directions. My Lord living in them sang to me. Now I was crying and smiling all at the same time. How much more confused can one get?? It seems these days I'm not just feeling one set of feelings. It's more like a compilation of feelings. I called His name out loudly and tears came harder.

Our Lord is alive and well in Arlington! He gushes out of us with such force.

I drove into the neighborhood and there they were. Sarah and Sheila. Exactly what I needed. Sisters. They encouraged me and shared my pain. Sarah pointed out to me that our tears are your tears Lord. I felt better having seen them and talked to them. I know that the Lord answered the cry of my heart. He gave me words from a CD to call His name. So I called. And there He was in my sisters.

You, Lord. It's all about You!

The Porch

In our neighborhood we have a place we call the porch. This is where anyone can go at anytime of day or night and focus on the Lord. If someone is already there, you know what they are there for; and you are welcome to join in.

A couple of nights ago Dan and I went to the porch. The sun was going down and it was very peaceful. We called His name some and just breathed Him in some. The silence was full of Him.

Then we heard the crunching of dried leaves. Footsteps drawing closer. My heart skipped and began to beat faster. I knew who was coming. It was my Lord. More of my Lord coming to join. As Annette topped the stairs, I greeted her with, "Good evening Lord". It didn't matter the vessel He came in. I knew who she was and where He lives. He is the one that drew her there at that time. The three of us sat with no words. Just enjoying Him. We listened to the sounds of creation. A dog barking, "Lord, Lord. Lord." The crickets chirpping , "Jeeeee - sus, Jeeeee - sus." A train whistle in the distance, "GOD,GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD". All of creation called to Him. And then we heard singing.

"Lord you are my strength
You are my help in all my troubles
Lord you are my freind
You are my lover
Lord I worship you, I bow down and adore you.
I love you, I love you, I love you."

Two sisters knew where we were and seranaded the Lord in us. And then they were gone.

The porch is new for us. It may not always be in the same back yard, but the place will always be Him.

The Camp Out

These are my thoughts and feelings after not sleeping the first evening of our camp out/retreat. I know these thoughts came from the Lord, because only He is gracious and good. (I'm a grumpy butt when I don't get enough sleep)

When I got up this morning it was still dark. I plugged in the camp lights. How feastive they looked in the darkness. A short time past and Lord, you turned the sky pink. It wasn't just a small patch of pink, but an entire group of clouds strewn across the sky. My thoughts went to my sisters Diane and Emma. You have put in them a love for your pinkness.

As my gaze rolled across the sky for more of you, I saw a single bird in the air. Not going anywhere, just wings wide open and floating in one spot of pink. It was as if he was suspended in gel. I thought of how slowed down my mind would have to be to attain being suspended in you that way. And how much that bird must be enjoying his morning set high on the breath of his creator.

I made hot water for my oatmeal. I could see that Donna's lights were on now. I padded over to the opening of the path that led to Donna and Sheila's campsite. Donna was doing something at her picnic table. Probably thinking of you at the same time. My thoughts went to how much I love her and how I was seeing the Son rise in my sister.

I went back to my oatmeal. I thought, "That's a good idea, I'll watch the sun come up". I moved my chair to where I thought I might best experience our morning (mine and the Lord's). I looked into the sky again. You changed it. Now the clouds were a soft grey with a little hint of peach. But more grey. I could see where the sun was going to make it's appearance. There was a half ring of orange just beyond the tree tops to the east. I sipped my coffee and waited. My eyes rested in the direction of the beggining. It wasn't very long before a small cloud inside the orange ring lit up. It sparkled like mother of pearl. It became so bright that it almost hurt my eyes to look at it. As I squinted, I thought now John must have felt trying to describe his vision in Revelation. The difficulty of putting into words something no one on this earth has ever seen before. Thank you brother John, for doing what your Lord asked of you.

The sun began to peek over the tree tops. Wow! How beautiful! It came fast now. Words like... Fabulous... Spectacular... Magnificent, rolled over in my mind. But none of them were good enough. Lord, your sunrise is so much more. The light came so brightly that my eyes couldn't look in that direction any longer. I followed where the light spilled. It lit up the tops of the trees standing on a distant hillside. They were covered in autumn colors. The light gradually oozed from top to bottom like golden honey being poured out. I leaned back in my chair to soak in your warmth. You are my morning, Lord! This morning has been lived by you in me. This I know.

Relief from the Lord

A few weeks ago I found out I have breast cancer for the second time.

I woke up in the middle of the night and started writing. This is what I wrote:

My Lord is not just leaking out of me. I feel Him flowing. He is pouring out of me so fast that I no longer am me. He stands in my shoes and I am a mere observer of my own life. When my arms reach out to hug someone, they are not my arms, but His that pull that person in close. And the love that I feel in my heart is so full and large that I feel as if it will burst open at any moment. It is His love and compassion that flows through this temperal body.

I feel my own weakness and His strength all at the same time. It truely is a delight to have this opportunity. But at the same time a thing that I am unable to share with anyone because it is so easily misunderstood. I guess I will sit back and discover You, Lord. More of You!

Kim