Wednesday, October 26, 2005

This morning hasn't been one of my best. I went to the cancer center for an appointment and the doctors want me to start chemo as soon as possible. I sat there quite calmly, with my insides screaming, "I don't want to!!!! I don't want to!!!". Chemo is the worst part of cancer. The radiation I can handle. The surgeries I can handle. I can even handle being bald again. But the chemo is beyond me. I need you Lord to take this part. I know you have plans for good. So Lord, for you I do this a second time.

I sat in my car for a long time just letting everything sink in. I could feel my heart beating hard against the inside of my chest as if it were trying to get out. It was saying, " I have to get out of here before they poison me again!"

Still in a state of shock I turned the ignition. The CD in the player began to play.....

"If you need me,
Call me
No matter where you are
No matter how far
Just call my name
I'll be there in a hurry
On that you can depend and never worry
No wind, No rain or winter's cold
Can stop me baby
If you're my goal....."

My Lord was singing to me. I saw in my head my sisters singing and bouncing around a room. They had brightly colored boas hanging from their necks being swung in all directions. My Lord living in them sang to me. Now I was crying and smiling all at the same time. How much more confused can one get?? It seems these days I'm not just feeling one set of feelings. It's more like a compilation of feelings. I called His name out loudly and tears came harder.

Our Lord is alive and well in Arlington! He gushes out of us with such force.

I drove into the neighborhood and there they were. Sarah and Sheila. Exactly what I needed. Sisters. They encouraged me and shared my pain. Sarah pointed out to me that our tears are your tears Lord. I felt better having seen them and talked to them. I know that the Lord answered the cry of my heart. He gave me words from a CD to call His name. So I called. And there He was in my sisters.

You, Lord. It's all about You!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

The Porch

In our neighborhood we have a place we call the porch. This is where anyone can go at anytime of day or night and focus on the Lord. If someone is already there, you know what they are there for; and you are welcome to join in.

A couple of nights ago Dan and I went to the porch. The sun was going down and it was very peaceful. We called His name some and just breathed Him in some. The silence was full of Him.

Then we heard the crunching of dried leaves. Footsteps drawing closer. My heart skipped and began to beat faster. I knew who was coming. It was my Lord. More of my Lord coming to join. As Annette topped the stairs, I greeted her with, "Good evening Lord". It didn't matter the vessel He came in. I knew who she was and where He lives. He is the one that drew her there at that time. The three of us sat with no words. Just enjoying Him. We listened to the sounds of creation. A dog barking, "Lord, Lord. Lord." The crickets chirpping , "Jeeeee - sus, Jeeeee - sus." A train whistle in the distance, "GOD,GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD". All of creation called to Him. And then we heard singing.

"Lord you are my strength
You are my help in all my troubles
Lord you are my freind
You are my lover
Lord I worship you, I bow down and adore you.
I love you, I love you, I love you."

Two sisters knew where we were and seranaded the Lord in us. And then they were gone.

The porch is new for us. It may not always be in the same back yard, but the place will always be Him.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Camp Out

These are my thoughts and feelings after not sleeping the first evening of our camp out/retreat. I know these thoughts came from the Lord, because only He is gracious and good. (I'm a grumpy butt when I don't get enough sleep)

When I got up this morning it was still dark. I plugged in the camp lights. How feastive they looked in the darkness. A short time past and Lord, you turned the sky pink. It wasn't just a small patch of pink, but an entire group of clouds strewn across the sky. My thoughts went to my sisters Diane and Emma. You have put in them a love for your pinkness.

As my gaze rolled across the sky for more of you, I saw a single bird in the air. Not going anywhere, just wings wide open and floating in one spot of pink. It was as if he was suspended in gel. I thought of how slowed down my mind would have to be to attain being suspended in you that way. And how much that bird must be enjoying his morning set high on the breath of his creator.

I made hot water for my oatmeal. I could see that Donna's lights were on now. I padded over to the opening of the path that led to Donna and Sheila's campsite. Donna was doing something at her picnic table. Probably thinking of you at the same time. My thoughts went to how much I love her and how I was seeing the Son rise in my sister.

I went back to my oatmeal. I thought, "That's a good idea, I'll watch the sun come up". I moved my chair to where I thought I might best experience our morning (mine and the Lord's). I looked into the sky again. You changed it. Now the clouds were a soft grey with a little hint of peach. But more grey. I could see where the sun was going to make it's appearance. There was a half ring of orange just beyond the tree tops to the east. I sipped my coffee and waited. My eyes rested in the direction of the beggining. It wasn't very long before a small cloud inside the orange ring lit up. It sparkled like mother of pearl. It became so bright that it almost hurt my eyes to look at it. As I squinted, I thought now John must have felt trying to describe his vision in Revelation. The difficulty of putting into words something no one on this earth has ever seen before. Thank you brother John, for doing what your Lord asked of you.

The sun began to peek over the tree tops. Wow! How beautiful! It came fast now. Words like... Fabulous... Spectacular... Magnificent, rolled over in my mind. But none of them were good enough. Lord, your sunrise is so much more. The light came so brightly that my eyes couldn't look in that direction any longer. I followed where the light spilled. It lit up the tops of the trees standing on a distant hillside. They were covered in autumn colors. The light gradually oozed from top to bottom like golden honey being poured out. I leaned back in my chair to soak in your warmth. You are my morning, Lord! This morning has been lived by you in me. This I know.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Relief from the Lord

A few weeks ago I found out I have breast cancer for the second time.

I woke up in the middle of the night and started writing. This is what I wrote:

My Lord is not just leaking out of me. I feel Him flowing. He is pouring out of me so fast that I no longer am me. He stands in my shoes and I am a mere observer of my own life. When my arms reach out to hug someone, they are not my arms, but His that pull that person in close. And the love that I feel in my heart is so full and large that I feel as if it will burst open at any moment. It is His love and compassion that flows through this temperal body.

I feel my own weakness and His strength all at the same time. It truely is a delight to have this opportunity. But at the same time a thing that I am unable to share with anyone because it is so easily misunderstood. I guess I will sit back and discover You, Lord. More of You!

Kim Posted by Picasa