Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I am Me Again

Yesterday was the first day after round one that I was able to be me with no sick feelings. First I cleaned the kitchen (that never ending job) then I swept and vacuumed the floors. I couldn't stand it any longer, I have two schnauzers that seem to be magnets for every leaf in the backyard until they come into the house. And then the house becomes the magnet to the leaves. By the time I finished that, was tired. So I sat down for a while.

Then I went to Luby's with Bob and Sylvia for lunch. We stayed there a couple of hours just talking about the Jacksonville conference that Bob, Ev, Sheila, Donna, Aaron, Sarah and Bill went to. It was so nice to fellowship again! Then I had to go to the bank. One of those frustrating jobs, but I don't want to go in to that.

After all that, I was driving home. Everything was so bright and cheery. The autumn colors were full and robust. And I knew that my Lord was everywhere I could see. I had to thank Him for this day. Thank you Lord for a day of feeling good.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Round One Finished

Yesterday was the last of round one chemo. I'm so glad to not be hooked to that machine and free to move about as I will. Although the moving is very cautious because of the queezy stomach and swimming head I'm left with. Yet I feel so free. I have a whole 21 days before I have to do it again. They tell me that my hair will start to fall out in about 6 to 10 days. I'm not looking forward to that bit.

This weekend when the church was meeting, they called me and sang to me. I loved it. I didn't want them to stop. It was almost like being there with them. After they hung up I thought maybe this is how Jesus felt to be on this earth and have communication with His Father. Normally I am with the church and talking and singing and sharing with them. Looking at all their faces and spending time together. Now that has all gone aside for a time. I don't feel totally cut off, because they come around some. But... it's not the same.

My beautiful sister-in-law, Annette, has had her hair cut off. She wanted to give me her ponytail so that I could hang it out of the back of a hat. She loves me so much! I can't believe she cut her beautiful hair for me!! She told me that she sat there telling the hairstylist how special I am. I'm thinking she's the one that is so special!! I can't help but love this woman who loves me so much! It has to be the Lord flowing from her to me and back again. That's the only way to explain it. It's just like the Father loving His Son and pouring all of His love into Him. And then the Son loving His Father so much that He takes all of the love that His Father has poured into Him and pours it back into His Father again. And so goes the divine relationship. I feel like a part of that relationship. It's like all that I am is in Him and I can do nothing but what He wills. It's quite a wonderful feeling!

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Birthday Wishes

Happy Birthday to my beautiful Mama!!! The Lord shines in you. Don't worry I'm not telling how old you are. I love you mom!

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Getting Ready

These are some pics of my lovely sisters in Christ!! Please excuse Lon (He's a brother).

Well, chemo starts tomorrow. I've been trying to get things done around here before I don't feel like it anymore. It's hard to think of everything. I've gone to the grocerie store and cleaned all the bathrooms, done all the laundry, got as much Christmas shopping done as I could, filled all my prescriptions, changed the sheets on all the beds, cleaned the kitchen several times (I don't think that job is ever done), I brought all my plants in from outside last night. The list goes on. There's still so much to do. I know I'm forgetting something. Oh well, if it doesn't get done, it will still be here.

An hour before I go to chemo I have to take my anti-nausea meds. Then I will go to the cancer center and get the first chemical. That will take about an hour. Then I'll be hooked to a pump that will give me the second chemical - that will take 3 days. And on Monday I go back to get the third chemical in the series - that takes about an hour. And that concludes one round of chemo. I'll do this every 21 days until I finish all my rounds. After the first three rounds there will be a break for the mastectomy. I'm really not looking forward to any of this.

But there is an upside. I have to tell you how wonderful the sisters are here. They have made me little signs to put in my bedroom window so they will know what I need. The signs say:

I'm sick and nauseous - Go away
I miss you - Leave me a note to remind me that you miss me too!
I need my sisters - (I love you brothers, but sister things are going on right now)
I'm hungry Goody!
I love you - but I need some time by myself right now.
I'm taking a nap
I need conversation and a hug!

I think they thought of everything. Sheila brought me some homemade chicken soup all individually packed in serving sizes to be frozen until I need them. Along with that she brought some of her healthy chocolate chip cookies she makes and some mini banana muffins. The sisters have all been so great!! Brothers, you're pretty great too! It's so nice to be living in churchlife. Thank you, Lord for your body!!!

Monday, November 14, 2005

Every Moment

Well, Nick left yesterday. We had a full weekend. Four meetings, one sister's meeting, one brother's meeting, lunch at Mijo's (a resturant near by), dinner at the Heroman's (also where the babysitting was), and a truck ride around the neighborhood. We spent alot of time together. It was fun!

At one point during the weekend I was crying these big black mascara tears, and Ev reached out with a tissue and gently wiped my tears away. Not just one wipe... One wipe under each eye, and then one long wipe along my jawline where tears were waiting to fall to my lap. I felt like my Lord had just wiped my tears away. And He did through my brother, Ev. And then, as if that wasn't enough, Russell put words to my feelings. He saw the Father wiping my tears.

I wasn't sad. I was overwhelmed. I was the cup full to the brim and overflowing. I couldn't hold anymore, so out of my eyes He flowed. There was more of Him in me and around me than I could contain. I was that clay vessel filled with Him and surrounded by Him all at the same time.

I know these are just words on a screen. But it wasn't at that moment. That moment I lived Him. One of those moments that you never want to end, but if it doesn't you know you'll expire. It's too much and not enough at the same time. That moment was Him. He is every moment. The only difference was... I was aware of Him in me.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Early Thanksgiving

Last night, a bunch of us went to Whole Foods for their "Taste Of Thanksgiving".

We started in the produce section where we found sauted asparagus with hollandaise sauce and butternut squash soup. Yumm. Very tastey!
We moved on to the herb crusted salmon, smoked salmon and herb roasted pork. More yummies!

Then came the tofu turkey with gravey and cranberry sauce. It was pretty good. Not at all what I thought it would taste like. With that they served warm apple cider.
As we rounded into the deli section we found roasted turkey (the real thing this time).
Along with mashed potatoes flavored with roasted garlic, mashed yams with orange zest, sauted green beans with herbs, crab bisque, pumpkin mousse, and much more that I didn't taste.

Then came dessert: chocolate pecan pie, pumkin pie, chocolate truffles, and brie on crackers was stuck in there. Coffee was around the corner.

And that's just the stuff that I tasted. I can't remember all of the foods that were there to be sampled.

By the time we finished sampling everything, we were full! So we called it dinner and left to go to our meeting. It really was alot of fun. Thanks Sheila, for the suggestion. I'd like to do it again.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Is that a nest on your head?

Okay, I'm back.

Since I've been away I have had surgery to implant my port. That's the thing they put the chemo in. It's kind of like an IV under the skin going directly to my heart. I feel bad because I'm realizing that I have scared everyone off. I said some things about liking to be left alone when I don't feel well and everyone is very skitish about coming around. Please don't leave me. Do what comes to you to do.

This came to my attention when I had my surgery. I woke up in recovery and no one was there. I hurt and had no one to help me. And then a nurse asked me, but she didn't understand me. So I continued to hurt. The Lord was letting me know not to put restrictions on this. So, I am saying right now..... I love what you do for me, no matter when or where. I love you loving me.

This past saturday Annette, Sheila, and Sylvia and I went to the wig shop. We tried on all the hats and fingered all the wigs (some of us more than others). Tried to match our hair to samples that they had. Tried on wigs (some of us more than others), and waited a very long time for our turn. We laughed and giggled, snapped some photos of each other. And later in the car, had hair puns. Not hair pins. PUNS. Tee Hee. (Oh, you had to be there)

My dear brother and sister-in-law (but in reality my sister), my lovely mom and dad, and my sweet Gramie, bought a wig for me. Now I don't have to be a baldy except when I'm in the mood be a baldy. These days I'm feeling quite spoiled. But I have yet to start my chemo. I go wednesday to see my onchologist. I guess he will let me know when I will start.

Here are some photos of the wig trip. And one of me with my new wig on.