Well round 2 is over. It seems to be taking a little longer each time to come out of it. The medicines they give me to control the side effects are so much better than 15 years ago, when I had cancer the first time. But they still don't control the emotional side effects.
I remember when I was 28 years old (and maybe it was because of my age) that I never felt my life threatened by this disease. I did however, in about round 5 reach an emotional low. I am and always have been a person that is positive. I can always find something good. My glass is always half full so to speak. But at round 5 (15 years ago) I found myself wishing to be dead. Wishing to fall asleep and never wake up again. I have never been that depressed before. I was so sick that I couldn't even keep water down. Even in this state, I told myself the chemo was helping me.
This time, the vomitting is missing but the sickness is still there. The state of mind is worse. I feel threatened by the chemo. The depression that I went through 15 years ago, in round 5 and 6 is back in round 2. My doctor is so proud of the new medicines that control the side effects and has no idea of the emotional side effects. To him it's all physical. Which, by the way, is still not good, but is soooo much better than it used to be. This time I know the chemo is poison to my body. I know that I am allowing myself to be poisoned. My heart feels the chemo as it goes in. I feel my heart struggle every time to keep up with what I need to survive. And the depression that I feel is too real. I have been here once before. I didn't care for it then, and I still don't. I am struggling to make sense of what's happening. Yes, the chemo is poison, but the chemo also kills the cancer. But, they can't control what else it kills. I feel myself slipping into the depths of hopelessness. I know my Lord is HOPE. But, I can't seem to reach Him. I know He's there, but I can't see Him. I've called His name and I know He is with me, but where? None of my senses are aware of Him. Just my heart knows from when He created me, that He IS here. I don't think I can do this much longer. The dispare is eating me alive. I am being devoured bit by bit. Lord, I need you!! Lord, help me get through this. This had to be how you felt those three days you were separated by death from your Father. I know you have said to dwell on those things that are good and pure and holy, but I can't find them. You are those things. I know you are here and that is going to have to be enough for now.
8 comments:
Oh Kim,
My heart breaks for you. The Lord hears you in your distresses even if you do not hear him. I went through few years where I was extremely sick and the depression was the worst aspect of the entire ordeal. There are no words that I can say to make it better, and I wish I could, but our God is sovereign even in the dark nights of our soul. I found a lot of hope from reading Charles Spurgeon during my time, maybe it will bless you. He suffered gout and severe depression yet was an amazing child of God.
Here are a couple of my favorite quotes from spurgeon...
One Sabbath morning, I preached from the text, `My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?' and though I did not say so, yet I preached my own experience. I heard my own chains clank while I tried to preach to my fellow-prisoners in the dark; but I could not tell why I was brought into such an awful horror of darkness, for which I condemned myself. On the following Monday evening, a man came to see me who bore all the marks of despair upon his countenance. His hair seemed to stand up right, and his eyes were ready to start from their sockets. He said to me, after a little parleying, "I never before, in my life, heard any man speak who seemed to know my heart. Mine is a terrible case; but on Sunday morning you painted me to the life, and preached as if you had been inside my soul." By God's grace I saved that man from suicide, and led him into gospel light and liberty; but I know I could not have done it if I had not myself been confined in the dungeon in which he lay. I tell you the story, brethren, because you sometimes may not understand your own experience, and the perfect people may condemn you for having it; but what know they of God's servants? You and I have to suffer much for the sake of the people of our charge....You may be in Egyptian darkness, and you may wonder why such a horror chills your marrow; but you may be altogether in the pursuit of your calling, and be led of the Spirit to a position of sympathy with desponding minds
and...
This depression comes over me whenever the Lord is preparing a larger blessing for my ministry; the cloud is black before it breaks, and overshadows before it yields its deluge of mercy. Depression has now become to me as a prophet in rough clothing, a John the Baptist, heralding the nearer coming of my Lord's richer benison.
My prayers for you continue,
Doug
Doug e: Thanks for the encouragement. I'll have to check out some Charles Spurgeon books.
I do know that my Lord has good things planned. It's just a matter of longsuffering. My Lord did, and He in me does.
Thanks again brother!
"My Lord and my God, even now, you fade from my sight. Though my body be polluted, the light upon my body gone out and my spirit gasping it's last, still, I HAVE MY MEMORY. And this I know: You are not finished. Somewhere out there, beyond this fitful day, lies hope.
Lord, what is there in the future that shelters our hope? 'Your hope does not lie in the future, my son, but in eons long past. In ages before the eternals when there was nothing except I Am, when I was the all. There in my own being, your hope was established.'"
G.Edwards- The Beginning
Wow Sarah!! Thank you. It is finished! My Lord said it Himself. He was slain BEFORE the foundations of the world.
Hold on, my sister... He truly is enough...for everything we go through in this life. Even when He seems to be MIA, He is there. Your heart knows all things, knows you are not alone.
BTW Spurgeon was an amazing man who found the Lord in some very difficult circumstances.
Joyce shared this with me. Maybe it will be helpful to you.
http://www.llerrah.com/dreams.htm
The poem is quite good.
Your much less spiritual sister-in-law would like to remind you that emotions happen. You really have no control over those emotions, what you control is your reactions to those emotions. You have a right to feel depressed. Please, when you are depressed, don't hesitate to write your feelings. Kim, I love you dearly, but you are a pleaser. Don't hesitate to write your feelings because you might upset other people. You need to vent those feelings. Job railed against God, so did David and even Paul. It's okay. God still fulfilled his promises to them and He will to you also. No one will think less of you because you speak of your feelings. This web site is positive. Your family and friends can't help if they don't know the true depths of your ordeal. I've taken to wearing my Kim rosary. I have a necklace with a small pink ribbon that I wear almost all the time. As I finger it during the day, I say small prayers for Kim and Dan and Aaron. You are constantly in my thoughts and prayers and I am not alone. We all send prayers and positive thoughts to you all the time. Give us all a chance to support and love you, even if it's from a distance.
Even the darkness is Him !
Deborah
Post a Comment